Spoof

A school-age genius disappeared after being overrun by a deadly stampede of scientists, which he apparently caused by being better at science than them.

To understand this tragic turn of events, we have to learn a bit about one of the seven wonders of the world.

In Giza, lies one of the most fascinating ancient Egyptian artifacts: the Great Pyramid.  Much of its interior has already been explored, but one of its deepest chambers - carrying secrets four-thousand years old - has been notoriously hard to breach.

Scientists hate secrets.  But no scientist has ever ventured into these deep chambers, mainly for fear of ancient, supernatural curses.

But in a classic case of serendipity, a clever solution to this stand-off was found when the results of a completely unrelated study were published.  Experiments with a very popular operating system led to the conclusion that software programs were immune to curses.  No matter what taunts and threats were conjured up by the user, the software still continued to do stupid things and get everything wrong, like a merry simpleton.

This finding led to the obvious choice of using a robot archaeologist powered by Microsoft Windows to explore the supernaturally-charged tomb.  A Windows Robot would be completely immune to the terrible curses of Tutankhamen.

So, the robot was gradually built and tested, then guided slowly and painstakingly into the inner chambers, taking photographs of what it saw.

Champagne corks were popping as terabytes of video and still photographs were beamed back to the Science Team.  However, what was to be the largest archive of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics ever found amounted to a huge translation effort.  The enigmatic, copper-tinged  icons mocked scientists for years, driving many of them to drink and vandalism.

So, the researchers “crowd-sourced” the problem, encouraging budding Egyptologists around the world to have a go at cracking the puzzle.  Ostensibly, this was an attempt at “Science 2.0”.  But we now know it was because the scientists didn’t have a freaking clue what the hieroglyphs meant.

Infuriatingly, the puzzle was finally cracked by a school-child: Cedric Dansack, a 13-year old science boffin and football-hater.  Cedric was no stranger to the world of facts and figures, having won his school Science Fair with his “Cyber-Cuisine” device of the future, and as recumbent “Bullie’s Favourite”.

However, as Cedric’s results worked their way through the peer review process, the scientific community was hit with a huge downer.  His results said that the hieroglyphics amounted to nothing more than inane graffiti, probably scrawled by a hard-core of disenchanted stone-masons.

Cedric ignited a particular fury among Egyptologists when he published a landmark paper which correctly revealed that a particularly complex series of hieroglyphs translated literally as “Bum”.

Another of the artifacts - a long tract of written prose - had taken even Cedric months to decrypt.  Scientists had hoped that an accurate translation would reveal something about the deeper resonances within ancient Egyptian life and folklore.  Perhaps the tract was a religious sacrament or political treaty.

Instead, it amounted to yet another smack in the face to eminent scientists.  Indeed, it was a detailed account of a “whacking”, where a gang of ancient Egyptian stone-masons chased one of their contemporaries in circles around the partially-built pyramid, in the first-recorded incident of a “happy slapping”.  The chase had concluded with the quarry being hit repeatedly over the head with a live chicken.

One of the most perplexing images had been painted on a door to a “secret chamber”.  This chamber was believed to have magical properties, because it was aligned exactly with Sirius, a star steeped in supernatural significance.  Intriguingly, the chamber was encased in lead, like a nuclear reactor of today.  Upon the door was daubed a stark icon, in red paint.  The image was believed to be the sigil of Biryani, the chief magician who was consulted during the building of the tomb.

But Cedric’s painstaking work revealed that the mark simply meant “Toilet”.  It was probably a facility reserved for use by the building workers.

As Cedric continued to reveal the embarrassing, mundane truth at a conference, eminent academics were furious.  An initial surge from the audience led to a stampede, aimed in the direction of one hapless, thirteen year-old boffin.

By the time police arrived, the only remains of Cedric that could be found was the left arm of his spectacles, which probably came away because it was attached in some makeshift manner.

It is not yet known which individual within the mob was responsible for the disappearance of Cedric.

But the truth shall soon be known, due to the use of psychological techniques: the conference attendees are locked in a room, and nobody is allowed to leave until the culprit owns up.

The title is identical to that of an article from the Weekly World News.  Their article must have stuck in my head, leading to me thinking later on that it was my own idea.  Damn.  The words below are my own though.

The blogosphere was ablaze with activity last night, as a Somerset teenager was caught hacking into Heaven.

The 14-year old Taunton computer student - who cannot be named for legal reasons - has been charged with unauthorised access to a computer system, and blasphemy. Message boards were overloaded with his boasts of achieving elevated privileges, which effectively granted him “God Mode”.  

Meanwhile on Twitter, thousands of re-tweets suggested that confidential information had been leaked.  This included usernames, passwords and possibly credit card details for some of the Twelve Apostles.

The leak raises serious questions about data security for those ascended into Utopia.  One privacy watchdog claimed that “for such a kingdom of perfection, the security was diabolical.”

In fairness, as soon as the intrusion was detected, The PrayerStation Network was immediately taken offline.  This meant that the prayers of Christians across the country were no longer being answered, or at least were disturbed by spontaneous images of cats doing funny things.

Speaking from Newton Abbey, Mother Meritorious complained that she had lost connection with the world around her: “It’s a denial of service attack.  When I kneel down and pray, I say the usual words but there’s no response.  It just hangs.”

A spokesman for Heaven denied rumours that the master root key was compromised.  “If that was the case,” he said from behind a partition, “the Ten Commandments would already have been rewritten with malware.  This would mean that good Christians would be plunged into the temptation of running their own apps.  If this happens you can rest assured we’ll come down on them like a ton of bricks.”

The Church is feeling the strain, as normal communication channels are severed.  The Archbishop of Dimblebury complained that the temporary closure of “Rapture” - the social network for Christians - means that “congregations are no longer connected.  Instead, they’re writing lewd messages to each other in the pews, on the back of hymn books.”

Some of these hymn books graphically illustrate the plight of honest parishioners.  One was penned with these mournful words: “I can’t believe this happened at Easter, when the Ascended are just trying to enjoy their chocolate eggs.  I prayed last night.  I was told they’re fitting a new firewall, but the Pearly Gates have to be patched first.  They’re not taking any new registrations at the moment.”

Pleading guilty, the accused maintained that his actions were not malicious.  “I just wanted to know if Flufty is OK up there,” were his touching words, concerning an alleged deceased pet velociraptor.  “The Mediums are rubbish around here.  If they can’t help me, I’ll establish communication with the dead the best way I know how - using my iPhone.”

The common mosquito has long been known as a pest.  It has brought discomfort and disdain anywhere in the world where it can stick its disgusting, barbed feet up, and then drain the blood from honest, hardworking animals.

But now - apparently unsatisfied with crop decimation and itchy sores - the mosquito has such a dangerous trick up its “sleeve”, that even politicians are looking up from their expense receipts.

Scientists recently unearthed a dangerous change in the mosquito genome, dubbed the Nile Mutation.  If left unchecked, it’s set to send the biosphere hurtling into oblivion like an errant, beer-soaked cue-ball.

Clues to the existence of the Nile Mutation were spotted back in August 2010, when traces of plutonium were found in the River Nile.  There were very few explanations.  Either somebody had let off an atom bomb and nobody had noticed.  Or, someone was running a secret nuclear plant on Egyptian soil, and was cheerfully throwing the waste down the drain.

Meanwhile, a separate group of scientists were studying Mosquito cadavers in the same area (the project had no particular goal; people just like to gloat over dead mosquitos).  

Something very odd showed up under their microscope.  A new organ had developed in the frontal thorax, closely related to the digestive system.  This new organ was unlike anything seen before in evolution. It was a tiny, perfectly-formed nuclear reactor.

The explanation wasn’t hard to find.  Due to the slow march of climate change, mosquitos in remote areas had been slowly starving to death.  When times are hard, you have to adapt.  Nobody could really blame mosquitos for finding an alternative (though sadly non-renewable) source of energy.  An onboard nuclear power plant was apparently essential for the species to survive.

The scientists didn’t dare publish their findings, because it all seemed too silly.  But the pressure built until the lid blew off, and finally, this morning, the world heard the news. One international leader quipped that “it’s bad enough Iran having nuclear ambitions.  But at least Iran doesn’t fly into your face, or lay eggs in your food.”

Fears of a terrorist ‘dirty bomb’ lessened in favour of the new threat.  The Terrorism Threat Level rocketed from Tangerine to Beetroot - described as “New-Underwear-Scary”.  Scaremongers predicted biblical swarms of miniature nuclear missiles, armed with proboscis warheads.

Even North Korea seemed to offer help, by cancelling an important cruise missile strike on the South.  Unfortunately this was not a conscientious gesture of peace.  Spy satellites revealed that all efforts were diverted to the Great Shining Mosquito of Pyongyang Project - an attempt to splice genes from the Nile Mosquito with those of synchronized swimmers, in time for the 2012 London Olympic Games.

Clearly it is time for all countries of the world to forget their differences and work together.  Option One (“Kill All Mosquitos”) has already been ruled out: they breed faster than you can clap them to death between your hands.  Option Two (“Leave Planet Earth”) is infeasible: it would feel too much like defeat and besides, space is kind of dull.  

This leaves only one solution: Negotiation. The crisis talks are underway, but the doors are closed.  Pundits chew over one solution - effective, yet morally treacherous: a heavily-guarded mosquito net to segregate the dangerous species from humanity.  

Whether the “Berlin Net” will see the light of day is unknown.  But an answer must be found fast, before a simple bite on the ankle becomes a fatal bullet in the head.