New Type of Mosquito Causing Concern
The common mosquito has long been known as a pest. It has brought discomfort and disdain anywhere in the world where it can stick its disgusting, barbed feet up, and then drain the blood from honest, hardworking animals.
But now - apparently unsatisfied with crop decimation and itchy sores - the mosquito has such a dangerous trick up its “sleeve”, that even politicians are looking up from their expense receipts.
Scientists recently unearthed a dangerous change in the mosquito genome, dubbed the Nile Mutation. If left unchecked, it’s set to send the biosphere hurtling into oblivion like an errant, beer-soaked cue-ball.
Clues to the existence of the Nile Mutation were spotted back in August 2010, when traces of plutonium were found in the River Nile. There were very few explanations. Either somebody had let off an atom bomb and nobody had noticed. Or, someone was running a secret nuclear plant on Egyptian soil, and was cheerfully throwing the waste down the drain.
Meanwhile, a separate group of scientists were studying Mosquito cadavers in the same area (the project had no particular goal; people just like to gloat over dead mosquitos).
Something very odd showed up under their microscope. A new organ had developed in the frontal thorax, closely related to the digestive system. This new organ was unlike anything seen before in evolution. It was a tiny, perfectly-formed nuclear reactor.
The explanation wasn’t hard to find. Due to the slow march of climate change, mosquitos in remote areas had been slowly starving to death. When times are hard, you have to adapt. Nobody could really blame mosquitos for finding an alternative (though sadly non-renewable) source of energy. An onboard nuclear power plant was apparently essential for the species to survive.
The scientists didn’t dare publish their findings, because it all seemed too silly. But the pressure built until the lid blew off, and finally, this morning, the world heard the news. One international leader quipped that “it’s bad enough Iran having nuclear ambitions. But at least Iran doesn’t fly into your face, or lay eggs in your food.”
Fears of a terrorist ‘dirty bomb’ lessened in favour of the new threat. The Terrorism Threat Level rocketed from Tangerine to Beetroot - described as “New-Underwear-Scary”. Scaremongers predicted biblical swarms of miniature nuclear missiles, armed with proboscis warheads.
Even North Korea seemed to offer help, by cancelling an important cruise missile strike on the South. Unfortunately this was not a conscientious gesture of peace. Spy satellites revealed that all efforts were diverted to the Great Shining Mosquito of Pyongyang Project - an attempt to splice genes from the Nile Mosquito with those of synchronized swimmers, in time for the 2012 London Olympic Games.
Clearly it is time for all countries of the world to forget their differences and work together. Option One (“Kill All Mosquitos”) has already been ruled out: they breed faster than you can clap them to death between your hands. Option Two (“Leave Planet Earth”) is infeasible: it would feel too much like defeat and besides, space is kind of dull.
This leaves only one solution: Negotiation. The crisis talks are underway, but the doors are closed. Pundits chew over one solution - effective, yet morally treacherous: a heavily-guarded mosquito net to segregate the dangerous species from humanity.
Whether the “Berlin Net” will see the light of day is unknown. But an answer must be found fast, before a simple bite on the ankle becomes a fatal bullet in the head.