Teenager Hacks Into Heaven
The title is identical to that of an article from the Weekly World News. Their article must have stuck in my head, leading to me thinking later on that it was my own idea. Damn. The words below are my own though.
The blogosphere was ablaze with activity last night, as a Somerset teenager was caught hacking into Heaven.
The 14-year old Taunton computer student - who cannot be named for legal reasons - has been charged with unauthorised access to a computer system, and blasphemy. Message boards were overloaded with his boasts of achieving elevated privileges, which effectively granted him “God Mode”.
Meanwhile on Twitter, thousands of re-tweets suggested that confidential information had been leaked. This included usernames, passwords and possibly credit card details for some of the Twelve Apostles.
The leak raises serious questions about data security for those ascended into Utopia. One privacy watchdog claimed that “for such a kingdom of perfection, the security was diabolical.”
In fairness, as soon as the intrusion was detected, The PrayerStation Network was immediately taken offline. This meant that the prayers of Christians across the country were no longer being answered, or at least were disturbed by spontaneous images of cats doing funny things.
Speaking from Newton Abbey, Mother Meritorious complained that she had lost connection with the world around her: “It’s a denial of service attack. When I kneel down and pray, I say the usual words but there’s no response. It just hangs.”
A spokesman for Heaven denied rumours that the master root key was compromised. “If that was the case,” he said from behind a partition, “the Ten Commandments would already have been rewritten with malware. This would mean that good Christians would be plunged into the temptation of running their own apps. If this happens you can rest assured we’ll come down on them like a ton of bricks.”
The Church is feeling the strain, as normal communication channels are severed. The Archbishop of Dimblebury complained that the temporary closure of “Rapture” - the social network for Christians - means that “congregations are no longer connected. Instead, they’re writing lewd messages to each other in the pews, on the back of hymn books.”
Some of these hymn books graphically illustrate the plight of honest parishioners. One was penned with these mournful words: “I can’t believe this happened at Easter, when the Ascended are just trying to enjoy their chocolate eggs. I prayed last night. I was told they’re fitting a new firewall, but the Pearly Gates have to be patched first. They’re not taking any new registrations at the moment.”
Pleading guilty, the accused maintained that his actions were not malicious. “I just wanted to know if Flufty is OK up there,” were his touching words, concerning an alleged deceased pet velociraptor. “The Mediums are rubbish around here. If they can’t help me, I’ll establish communication with the dead the best way I know how - using my iPhone.”