The High Street Chill-Out Zone
Pssst - all you new-age vagrants out there.
Ever fancied the comfort of a cosy lounge for free, right on the High Street? If you’re thinking “coffee shops”, then think again. Unless you cherish hustling for a space amid used napkins and oozings of toffee-nut latte, to sit on plywood shaped like a rudimentary chair, whilst the din of industrial coffee grinders compete with the shrieks of spoiled toddlers … if you cherish that, then go right ahead.
For a more homely experience, rock up to your local Department Store. These often have a furniture section, containing mock-ups of living rooms in various styles. Simply turn up any time during opening hours, choose the sofa you like best, and make yourself at home.
Be sure to have everything you need before you arrive. Newspaper, flask of coffee or soup, hot water bottle. A pet (live or stuffed) makes a cute, cuddly addition (especially if still warm). Check your phone battery is fully charged - this could be a good time for that long phone call abroad. If caught short on credit or battery juice, feel free to use the in-house telephone system which staff use to call one another. Dial ‘9’ for an outside line, then reverse the charges.
Once you’ve settled into your comfy haven, cast your eyes around the shop floor. Coolly wave strangers over to join you, particularly those you like the look of. Put your feet up on a pouffe (if you’re so inclined).
If you like to unwind by watching television, then you’ll need to be more inventive. Ask to try out a pair of binoculars, and ensure you have a clear line of sight to the audio-visual department. Don’t like the programme that’s on? You did remember to bring your “All in One” remote control, didn’t you? Aim carefully, and zap away to your heart’s content (and turn up the volume so you can hear it).
Many of these “faux lounges” sport handy coffee tables to empty your pockets onto. You don’t want loose change falling down the back of the sofa for another scamp to find, do you? These low tables are also perfect for that stack of books and magazines you appropriated for the duration of your visit.
There’s no obvious, “acceptable” time limit to remain in your “virtual lounge”. However, to make an untimely eviction less likely, consider wearing camouflage. For those partial to trendy, black leather sofas, you’ll need to dress in similar fashion, like a “rock star”. If camouflage is impractical, then try to sit very still like a mannequin. This helps you to seem like “part of the furniture”.
Be sure not to fall asleep though, or you may wake up in the store-room. Stay tuned for Part 2: The High Street Soup Kitchen, where we’ll wander over to the Kitchenware Department.